As a young woman, I spent most of my days just trying to fit in with whatever crowd I found myself adjacent to; even now I still find myself struggling NOT to do that.
Honestly? I’ve never felt “a part” of anything. I’ve always felt as if I float through this life alone.
Now while most of this may have been imagined, it wasn’t/isn’t without some basis in more fact than truth. I can recall many instances that would allow me to build a very sturdy soapbox on which to air my grievances. My life has been fraught with feelings of being unloveable, in every relationship, save three, but I’ll get to those later.
A majority of the decisions I’ve made in my life have been filtered through MY understanding of what love is or isn’t. Unfortunately, I married, raised children and navigated my life through this blindness.
I equated the physical act of sex with love. I misread lust, also. I never saw it as being summed up based on my parts, but rather an admission of longing to love me from the beholder, (Mama, you sho is fine!)
We always tell teens to abstain from sex, but we never truly give them the reason why. Yes, there are the religious reasons that some admonish abstinence, but I believe that’s too abstract, especially if they do not have a “relationship”. Today’s social media world labels everyone as “friend” and encourages us to bear our souls to whoever may stumble across our page. It is a travesty. It seems that we are no longer encouraged to cultivate and nurture life long relationships that turn into family-ships.
Oh and marriage? Marriage has become something we do when we’re bored: the song says let’s do something dumb and get married.
I personally have spent too many years feeling unloved, unwanted, undervalued, believing that something was wrong with me; that I was unlovable; that I would never find love; that somehow a long time ago I became unworthy to be loved wholly and faithfully by one person who was willing to jump in with both feet and be in it for the Long haul with me, only me, just ME.
SO SEX BECAME MY CURRENCY IT WAS WHAT I USED TO PURCHASE INTIMACY. IN MY HEAD I WOULD BE THE BEST HE EVER HAD, THAT WHEN HE WAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE HE WAS THINKING OF ME BECAUSE I WAS THE BEST HE EVER HAD!
It never ever occurred to me that my wampum was worthless as any currency can be on any given day USELESS. YOU SEE I’VE FORGOTTEN THAT SEX IS EASY. I’d ignore the truth that sex without true intimacy is garbage. I’d ignored the truth that neither love nor intimacy can exist outside of the trust. I was so very focused on being loved that I all too often just jumped into the deep end because “damn he fine”.
Sex is as easy as clicking on a website. It is as easy to find driving down the road, sex is like candy yeah it’s good when you got it but too much of it isn’t healthy especially if great sex is all you have.
INTIMACY can not be purchased. Honestly? If you make sex a priority – you haven’t truly left any room for love or intimacy… I don’t care what anyone says. The mental and emotional price is far too steep. (SOS 2:7;8:4)