Sigh…

It’s increasingly difficult to rid myself of anger. It seems to dwell just to the left of me and has a tendency to interject when not spoken to or acknowledged.

I cannot seem to shake it. I am as I type this angry. I am angry at so very many things, people, circumstance, and yes, you.

My mind aches. My heart aches. I am thankful that my knees no longer ache, weight loss is a wonderful thing when done responsibly. I even get most of my 100 ozs of water in each day.

I know why I’m angry, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about. Oh, I know the WORD and what it says, and I know that this can turn into a root of bitterness, it’s, just, that, I just can’t seem to shake it.

I wish I could go back in time and live the life I imagined. But alas that too is cause for anger.

I must begin to count my blessings, which are many and I also have mercy that is new every morning.
Sigh, my life was to  be GRAND! No worries! Happy children! Loving husband! SIGH

Giggle, I suppose 2 out of 3, or is it half and half? Maybe 1 out of 4? I know my hubby loves me. Funny isn’t it? How life happens I mean? I’ve had my high points and my lowest of the low points.
And still, it my faith that sustains me. I am nothing without it. I must admit to a sort of numbness recently, a sort of longing for God to do or say something to help me let go of this anger. My guess is that its one of those things we’re supposed to cast away or walk away from.

THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH

I have learned to be content, however angrily. I’m told that anger stems from Pride and yes, I resemble that remark. My pride has been bruised HORRIBLY! Sigh Sigh Sigh

Father Help me!!!

 

 

LIFE….HAPPENS and then….

So many things going through my head right now. I’m hungry, tummy growling, need to eat, but don’t know what I want ~ so I’ll probably make some popcorn hungry.

I am self reflecting about the things that have happened since I last wrote, I suppose this is therapy, a cleansing of the heart and mind of sorts.
As an author, every circumstance is basis for a book and yet I’ve found myself too tired or stressed to write.

Death visited last month.

Life happens…. and then we go on. It’s not simple by a long shot, but we can’t stop. I have too many people depending on me.
Thank the LORD for my precious hubby! He has been a rock during all of this. He is ever sensitive to my heart and takes very good care of it. He washes me in the water of the WORD and this re-enforces the peace that passes all understanding. He protects my heart! I love that! It makes me feel so very blessed!

I’ve dreamed many dreams over the past many days. Oddly, I dreamed about an old boyfriend, one I’ll always consider my first love ~ well, as much love as a 13 year old can imagine. In truth, he was very much a part of my Psyche until I was in my mid 40s…wrote a book about… it’s on Amazon. It’s mostly fiction, but the heart of it was about him. My first kiss. My first almost sexual experience… long sad story.
He wasn’t THE ONE. He was unfaithful through the entire relationship. He was angry when I let go and I had to let go, because I didn’t like who I was with him AND YET… the very essence of him colored or rather stained my life, spilling over into every decision I made concerning love and relationships. It was brutal! I made horrible choices.
This is why I never wanted my daughters to date…..oops! Apologies! That rabbit trail was longer than I needed it to be. But, Life happened… and I am now with my forever husband. He is healing to my heart!

It would be so very easy to just allow the circumstance to dictate how I live my life right now. But, my faith, which is the substance of things hoped for AND the evidence of things not yet seen WILL NOT ALLOW IT.

I cannot throw stones at anyone, because I am NOT perfect…just forgiven. Donald Trump’s rhetoric bothers me as does Hilary Clinton’s. I am feeling the Bern and yet I still don’t feel I have a clear choice in either arena. There are a couple of independents I like, but Georgia isn’t inclusive in that way, politically. SIGH

Life happens and I won’t move to Canada if the Don becomes President. I will however become more aware of my surroundings. It will be the 60’s for me again, a culture of bigotry.

I will be amused at Bill’s antics if by some chance Hilary is elected.

Bernie is a conundrum, a clean slate for me. I’m not even certain of what that means in my head. I just pray he doesn’t drop out.

Life… how we live it…is a series of choices and consequences… If…then…either…or.

My tummy isn’t growling anymore. I made myself some chicken nuggets,(cut the chicken breast, seasoned, breaded, and fried them myself) with fries. The whole process took about 30 minutes.

Did I say that I am also trying to eat cleaner than in the past? Well I am and I am down 2 pant sizes… moving quickly towards 3 sizes down. YAY! ME!

Well, thanks for listening. I needed that release. You’re a wonderful listener! I promise not to stay away so long in the future, but then I’ve made that promise before and well, LIFE happens……….

 

A little….

…each day.

We tell people that time heals… a little each day.

We tell writers to write a little each day.

One day at a time; A little each day…. sigh

In this microwave world, minutes can feel like an eternity!

Today, I’m making every effort to slow done and smell the roses are little EVERYDAY. I’m going to spend 15 minutes alone with myself EVERYDAY.

We seem to make time for the hard things, why not encourage one another to take time for the GOOD things?

And while you’re at it, take the time to leave a comment, however short, on every blog you took the time to read EVERYDAY, EVERY TIME …… we authors can be an insecure bunch! 😉

LIFE….

So much has happened since my last post. My friend has fallen asleep in the LORD. She is Rejoicing in the Lord…. relaxing in paradise

The kids were sick, et cetera, et cetera, etc….

Anywho… all is well with my soul! The waves and the wind still know his name… hallelujah!

I have been comfort eating and sexing my hubby (which is comforting also). I love that my hubby has the ability to take me in my arms and just pray over me. Yes, the sex is great (awesome even). However, it is those times that he  washes me in the water of the word that solidifies our love.
It didn’t take him long to figure out why my libido was seemingly out of control. I LOVE THIS MAN!
He spoke peace over my heart and he held me as I cried it out. I so enjoy being in an adult relationship!

Too many times, I settled for “love” in ALL THE WRONG places. Loneliness will lead you to that mistake, as will boredom.

I wish I’d been strong enough to just love and like me enough, to just wait on the LORD. I have proven to be a poor judge of character when it comes to choosing a mate.

I’m writing this while watching an episode of “Married at First Sight“. It’s distracting. I’ve watched all 3 seasons and I’ve picked correctly each season. Let me go on record and say, “If David and Ashley stay together…. it’ll be a miracle!”

Okay, enough rambling. The serial starts in 24 hours! Stay tuned!

 

 

 

HEY PEOPLE! A Note From My Daughter…

I just want to say that I had a good day today.School was great,I guess :/.I petted an iguana….Which I thought was pretty awesome.I also helped my nieces with their school work today.The math was fractions,which I am really good at,so I told my mom that I can help them so we did it but we didn’t pass :(.But I believe that we can pass tomorrow.I have a feeling that we will..Well I have to go to bed now.Goodnight :).

Zahvie

Kindergeld…. I need some….NOW!!

Kindergeld   – Kinder === child(ren) geld === $$$$

They are giving an increase and making certain that Child Support isn’t being doubly paid to anyone.
Reading the site gave me pause and a thought of moving back to West Germany. I first heard of Kindergeld while stationed there and considering citizenship. I was disenchanted with all things America and my marriage at the time. So it sounded good. They take care of their people in many ways, far better than we privileged Americans do.

I have to stop reading the site. SIGH. They call it a benefit. Americans, unaware of the origin, call it a handout. I remember that there was a sense of pride when speaking of the Geld. While in contrast, Americans are made to feel ashamed about the need for assistance.

isn’t it odd? The use of words? Benefit. Assistance. Handout.

THE NEW DEAL, the first of its kind has been ripped to shreds in the quest for, for, (I haven’t found the correct words).
” Herbert Hoover (R)was president when the Crash occurred but felt that the government should not become overly involved in helping individuals dealing with economic troubles. However, this changed with the election of Franklin Roosevelt (D). He worked to create numerous programs through his New Deal to help those affected worst by the Depression. American History/About.com

Does it sound as if I’m rambling? Well, maybe I am. I’m so saddened by the group of people running for President, The Leader of the Free World, that I’m truly trying to make sense of it. I have to vote. It’s my honor and right as an American. I’m just saddened when it appears that other countries take better care of their citizens. I’m done with the entire congress! I also think that I’m verklempt about the Obama’s having to leave the White House. First, allow me to say, I’m not discussing politics, policies, etc. I just enjoy them as a couple, as a family. They’re like that one couple you see all the time and they just make you smile. They have cute kids and no craziness. The only difference is, they live in a sort of fish bowl ~ everyone has an opinion of them.
WOW! Anywho, (I’m off that rabbit trail)
This time around, the entire thing feels like someone died and now every Tom, Dick, and Mary wants to fill the opening. It is distressing! And he who’s name I won’t mention here has never been a favorite of mine. I so want to say, “You’re Fired!” and watch him be tossed out on his bottom. Again, sigh.

Oh, well, I’m not moving to Germany. I’m here in the cradle of the south ~ where slavery has a new facade and second class citizens had better know their place.

p.s. I did not proof read this… I’m far too tired to do so….

Sitting on the Edge of a Dream

Kay is a 40 year old woman who has been married to her husband, Dave, for 15 years. Her life has been filled with pain and many disappointments over the years.

So, she escapes her reality by reminiscing on the good times with her high school sweetheart, Reginald.

Kay gets hurt in a very bad car accident, and Reginald comes back into her life to see about her. Kay then realizes that even though she hasn’t had any contact with Reginald in 22 years, she still has strong feelings for him, and needs to decide if she should follow her mind, or her heart.

Me

I wrote a book. It is listed for sale on www.Amazon.com. There is a travel book listed on Amazon, by a lady named Paula Searcy, but it’s not me….at least, I don’t think it’s me.
It is also listed on www.barnesandnoble.com.
It can also be found on Lulu.com.

There are other books, written by me, for sale on Lulu.

As you can see, I am feeling “some type of way”. SIGH

Please purchase a book that was written by me. Thank you in advance!

paula d searcy, a.k.a Rupert Flagg

I also have a FaceBook Fan page – Paula Rupert Flagg Searcy.

I have approved this shameless ad! giggling!

Learned Contentment

Philippians 4:11~ Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.…

This past week, the lottery was the largest it’s ever been. I suspect that sometime soon it will again, grow to some other outrageous number and the masses will once again, clamor to get in on it ~ never once understanding that it’s their money ~ their buying in ~ that pushes it up so high.

While I’ve never been a dedicated lottery player, I was addicted to Publisher’s Clearing House and played in an organized fashion for far too many years. Yes, I said, played. It is a game… no purchase needed to win/ be entered and yet… never once, between 1994 and 2001 did i ever remotely won anything. The subscriptions weren’t even free.
We were in deep NEED. I felt divine urging to continue to faithfully send in each mailer on time, writing it on the calendar. It was very sad.

I admit to playing the lottery every so often and I admit to feeling very down when someone wins… I used to search out any info on them to see why God would allow them to win and not me.

Then, just recently did it occur to me why it’s permissible,(1 Cor. 10:23) but not beneficial for me to purchase lottery tickets. It goes against what I say I believe.

Matthew 6:33 ~ …”For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I’ve heard myself say, “Seek first the kingdom…”(Matt. 6:33), but quite honestly not having a full understanding of just what exactly it means. I didn’t study it, nor have I sought godly wisdom on it. It was and still is a foundational building block for me; a way to stay focused on the Father’s love for me.

Then the other day, I was wandering through a variety store. I questioned myself. “Why Paula, are you wandering aimlessly through this store?” I replied to myself, “I’m shopping.” And as if in a conversation with a good, but wise friend, the response was, “Well, you know what shopping really is, right? (I didn’t answer, these questions are statements) “Shopping is wandering around looking for something to spend money on.”Now, while this may not be a profound statement to you, for me it was “could-have-had-a-V8” moment. Shopping is NOT the result of need, it is motivated by want. I’d already picked up what I came in for, .99. But for whatever reason, I was looking to spend more… “HOW CAN I BE TRUSTED WITH MILLIONS WHEN I CAN’T EVEN BE FAITHFUL WITH THE HUNDREDS?”

I paid my $1.07 (.99 + taxes) and walked out pondering the thought.
It lingered in my mind. I’ve always known that this world’s system of things functions on debt. Commercials are there to entertain and create a false “need”. the words: “Sale” “BOGO” “FREE with purchase“,etc. are all designed to get you to part with your $$$$.$$. An we buy into the debt system, often relying on ourselves to be wise enough to know when to say when…. well, I’m your huckleberry. I’ve learned to tune out commercials that entice, except when it concerns groceries and even then I proceed with caution.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago. I was still pondering the whole shopping conversation while watching a bible study. And as if in a conversation with a good, but wise friend, the was whispered to my spirit, “Contentment will keep you out of lack.” I responded, “I have learned to be content.”His response, deep and freeing “Have you?”
I pondered that question. I thought I had, but the discontent in my heart from not winning the lottery (I didn’t even buy a ticket) spoke otherwise. My hubby works hard and diligently. I, in my daughter’s words, “tend to my vines very carefully; Shooing away the little foxes. And like the writer of this portion of scripture. “ I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.”
It’s just that I haven’t learned the Father’s plan, the Kingdom’s rhyme and reason of what I’d learned of the world’s lack. sigh
Yes, it’s a process. I must learn to say “no” to my flesh. I truly don’t need new furniture… I have children who disrespect the old stuff. sigh…

I am learning to be content, in a Kingdom sort of way. There is blessing in contentment and I believe that it allows the Father to bless us extraordinarily!
Ephesians 3: 14 “….For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 15 Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; 17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; 19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

21 Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen. (KJV)

Selah