My First Love

I know, we’ve all had one whether it was reciprocated or not, there was a person who gave you butterflies.

My first, Walter, spoiled me and was the first boy to say he loved me. I was young, but he was it for me. Tall, lean, jet black velvety skin that smelled good. I do believe that if my grandmother hadn’t died, causing me to have to leave Alabama – I’d have married him. It was a sweet, innocent love. He valued me in a way that I didn’t understand back then.

It would seem that my love life was always slightly off kilter. My mindset about love, sex, and marriage was jaded by what I saw around me, especially Peewee weddings, but that’s for another post.

My first newbie adult love scared and scarred me. I can still feel the effects of it even now. He was and is a very handsome man. It didn’t work because, even though he valued my virginity, he didn’t value me. But when he was good he was very, very good! Those kisses, sweet wonderful kisses that were designed to make me want him were masterful! He had a manly way of commanding my will, so much so, that I actually ironed the shirt he wore to go out with someone else. I later found out that it was someone I’d considered my best friend. He did that with more than one of my so called friends. He appeared and then disappeared. I was supposed to go with him, but I didn’t like who I was with him. The one time we attempted to have sex was bad because he wasn’t prepared for just how naive I truly was back then. This is the relationship that colors every relationship that followed it. That relationship dented my idea of me.

This is why I don’t advocate teens dating. It’s hard enough for an adult, navigating all of those emotions. And sex? That just makes it a million times harder to navigate, like icebergs or lava flows… sigh.

I think I’ve said enough for now. You know I’ll write more later.


Simply upset or am I just being petty?

I enjoy Jeopardy.

I wanted LeVar to be the new host. We got duped, hogswaggled, cuz they were always going to pick him. Heck he picked Himself.

A lot of the shows I like were canceled, deeper sigh.

Is it wrong to be bothered? Is is silly to have feel as if I don’t have a voice in such matters? Don’t my ratings count?


The thought of no longer watching Jeopardy crossed my mind, however there’s nothing else out here like it. The next generation won’t know Alex Trebek or Art Fleming and Mr. Richards will be just fine for them.

Sigh, for now I’m not going to watch it.

I’m happy that Mr. Burton got a shot and helped to raise a lot of money for charity. So glad he put it all on the line and took a shot.

I owe my friend a quarter, he said that they couldn’t NOT give him a shot, cuz then we’d know that, well, you know.


Misinformation OR Shared experience?

My friend is in the hospital due to Covid. Yes had many underlying issues, however, contracting Covid sent him to the hospital. He is not vaccinated. He is one of a few hundred thousand who can’t take the vaccine. I won’t say why, but his Healthcare provider advised against it.

I know many past military veterans who cannot take the vaccine. They have nerve issues and other health concerns that precludes it.


Vaccinated or not, I will wear a mask until further notice. I like them actually, especially in the winter! Yes, nothing like a warm nose!


Sweet Sweet Dreams

I can say that it is possible to be in love and still wonder what went wrong in the prior relationship.

Divorce damages the heart in a way that feels permanent. Yes, my present is comforting and sustaining and all that I ever prayed for and yet… I still wonder what it was I didn’t see OR refused to see in the prior relationship.

Yeah, it’s because I don’t want to make the same mistakes. (Whatever they might have been) I tend to love hard and completely even in friendship. I value true friendship and yet I don’t tend to them as I believe I should, but that’s a post for another time. Right now I speaking about heart scars. My hubby has them also. They are mingled with PTSD from war and our parents, who by the way were best friends.

He protects my heart. I’ve learned that my heart has never been protected before allowing him to do so. It can be disconcerting. He is patient with me and my brokenness. Often times just holding me and saying nothing. I love him completely, well as completely as I can in my brokenness. I’ve found that there isn’t any pretense in him. He is who he is at all times. He apologizes even when he isn’t wrong and then gently revisits the issue at a later date so we can work it out unemotionally.

I love him. I must seek each day to value and love him passed the stupid in my head. He is NOT the prior man and does not have to answer for his mess.

Honestly? I was messed up in my childhood when I got it into my head that absolutely no one loved me and never would. I’m not even certain of how that even formed in my thoughts. It may have been the romance novels my mom used to leave around… I began reading when I was four. I can remember hiding under furniture to read them wishing that a man would ride in on a horse, shirt less and carry me away all the while professing his love for me and my beauty.

I want to pour into my teens that it is well worth the wait. It’s hard enough as an adult to navigate relationships without also having to deal with teenage everything!

I pray that you have open dialog with your spouse, so that your prayers aren’t hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)

reality BITES

I try to speak to my mom every day. 2020 drove home the point that tomorrow isn’t promised. I experienced death far too often in 2020.

We all suffered the virus at the end of 2019. We each had varying degrees of illness, including the toddler, it was truly horrible. I will wear a mask from now until the LORD calls me home.

Anywho, please take notice of those you love. Make time for them even if it’s just a text or a quick hello on the phone – because my mom’s generation is prone to texting. She says it reminds her of telegraphs and Morse code.

CALL YOUR MOM! CALL YOUR DAD! I wish I could hug my dad just once more.


Deforestation deep sigh

While on my way to get #1 son, I noticed a doe with 2 fawn trying to cross the road. I yelled to her, “No!” I said a prayer for the drivers behind me to see them also and continued on my way.

The confusion that permeated from the doe was palpable. She’d probably grown up in the forest that was on the other side of the road.

The trees are now gone. They are being removed to build yet another subdivision. This one by Pulte.

I’ve taken pictures however I’m not certain of how to post them here. It’s sad and ugly. I must say that I’ve seen the entire heard together close by, but it’s just not the same.

The deforestation has also displaced turtles, snakes, armadillo, possum, and I’m certain that native plants have also been destroyed.

I’ll post the pictures when I figure out how. Just know that kids are sad and comment on the ugly each time we pass it.

Boo’d Up

This is for the adults in the room… I’m speaking mainly to the ones in fully committed relationships… those 100% on either side relationships.

True hearted, Christ centered committed relationships. Yes, you.

When was the last time you lusted after your mate? Got that flutter in the center of yourself? You know what I’m talking about! Lovin’ so good it makes you want to testify in church! Girl, don’t get me started! Hallelujah! Praise the LORD!

Do you study your mate? What says love to them? Are you a good listener? Are you mature enough to make immediate changes?

This isn’t my first rodeo, but it is however most definitely my last. I’m striving to be who the Father has called me to be in my hubby’s life. I do that by seeking Father’s wisdom about how to love, honor and cherish him.

How about you?

I asked the question and the answers weren’t what I expected πŸ˜πŸ˜ƒ

So, I asked the question: “Do you feel loved?”

I asked the 19yr old first her response: “Why? What did I do? Are you giving me back?” (She’s grafted in) I explained why I asked and she laughed, “Girl yes! You scared me! Wait, if I say no do I get a car? 😐

Next, the 17yr old: “Um, is this a trick question? 😳 Me: Dude, just answer the question. I: Of course mom… now can you take me to Taco Bell 😐

The 9yr old: Of course I do Nana. I know you love me cuz you cook me food.” 😢

At this point I thought I was missing something. So I decided to ask the 16yr old girl… it was close to her moon time so I knew I’d get an honest answer.

She stared at me, “Seriously Nana? I don’t know where we’d be without you. I mean I sometimes hate it here in this house, with these people but I know y’all love me cuz I’m special!”

Sigh, I don’t know truly what answer I was looking for, but it appears to me that I’ve done away with that NO ONE LOVES ME thing.

O wait, the 5yr old… “Well, Nana, I know you love me and I love you but not as much as I love Papa. I’m his bag of sugar and you say I’m ur bag of salt… so I know he loves me more exactly. “

I just hope I’m around when she discovers the importance of salt.

Anywhooooo, don’t be afraid to ask the question.