We all have firsts. Only one person is first.

I’d wasted my virginity long before I got to Mr. PADGETT, you know, sexual wampum is very real. And I’d squandered the riches of the kingdom in such a way that I can’t even remember when it began… ok I can but that takes me back to things I don’t want to remember right now. I must insert that I do not count rape as wampum… that is stolen treasures. I mention it only because it crossed my mind as I was writing.

I can’t even tell you the number Mr. PADGETT held, I can however remember that he was the first to elicit the ultimate response from my nubile body. I remember that it caused the lighting in the room to change and like any drug addiction, it caused me to want to recreate that high. It was all I could think about until I coaxed him into bed again. I must clarify here that in his words, I’d lied to him about the status of my virginity. He didn’t want to be my first anything, so when he was almost naked the second time, he stopped and uttered the words that followed me for longer than you’d imagine, “I’m not trying to fall in love.” Sigh

Heck, neither was I! I just wanted the high and at that moment he was the drug dealer. I did not get high that night or for many, many nights after the first night.

I’ve always imagined what it would have been like if I’d waited until marriage. What could it have been if someone had simply told me that waiting to have sexual intercourse would have saved my now damaged everything. Yes, as a Christian we are taught to wait till marriage because sex outside of marriage is sin, however, it goes so much deeper than any of that can explain.

There are no emotions attached when trading wampum. It is a transaction brokered by an app nowadays and by any night club back then or if you’re really adventurous, any grocery store. I can say that my first night with Mr. PADGETT started out wampum, seeking the prize in a competition and he was the prize.

SIGH, I won nothing but an understanding of what the phrase, “Do not wake love before its time” means. Don’t misunderstand, sex is not love; though it can be the physical expression of it. Double sigh, how precious it would have been to be forever bound to Mr. PADGETT, if I’d loved him. Nope, he was a prize, a conquest, no love involved. Smh

Apologies for such a long post. Be honest with your teens, sex isn’t love and wampum is a waste. It is a gateway drug. It opens the door to … just be honest with your kids.

“What tha…?”

Today, I woke up and didn’t enjoy the thought of what I’d have to face today.

This surely wasn’t what I’d imagined when I turned 40. I wanted the next twenty to be epic, never once imagining a pandemic. I just knew that I as I sat there on the bed, putting my shoes on, speaking mostly about the now ex-husband – I wanted change.

Fast forward to today, I have change, however, it doesn’t look like I thought it would. I’d have never imagined that the so called cancel culture would affect me by way of my parenting. And at the same time, be sought out for those same skills.

Life is odd in ways we are never told and could not possibly imagine. I could say that whatever dream you have beyond your child being a good person, are just that, your dreams. Your job is to introduce them to the wonders of this life and show them that they can choose. Allow them a skill. Something uncommon, like, sewing, crochet, etc. Cooking is essential they should at least be able to feed themselves. (See what happened there?)

That rabbit trail shot off in a direction that I didn’t intend for it to go. This post is about my life as me; not wife, mom, etc. This is about me dying inside because it’s midnight and I haven’t been able to do me. I am a writer and teacher at my core. I know who I am and have been called to be by the Creator. It’s frustrating to go an entire twenty-four hours and not write anything.

I remember J K Rowling remembering she could afford to get a sitter for the kids and a hotel room for herself so that she could focus on her writing. I want that one day, sooner than later. Sigh

So today, I am starting back to me, using the skills I’ve learned through the years. I will set a soft schedule to my day. I learned that back when I sold lingerie. I say “soft” because foster parenting taught me that schedules must be fluid AND raising teens has taught me that it’s all gonna go off the rails anyway.

So there you have it. I will no longer allow the WTH days to dictate anything. I will attempt to go with the flow so that the boat doesn’t get dashed against the rocks of this thing I call my life. And just so you know, hubby and I are just fine. This post is singularly about me.

I had a crazy jealous day recently, vestiges of past relationships, and I knew I needed to apologize because my husband is an honorable man.

Me: You love me? Him: Of course I love you. Me: Even when I’m being all jealous and crazy for no real reason? He looks away from his phone and smiles, ” especially when you’re being all jealous and crazy. I love every part of you my love.”

Yep, I’m staying anchored to this port in the storm I call my life.

My First Love

I know, we’ve all had one whether it was reciprocated or not, there was a person who gave you butterflies.

My first, Walter, spoiled me and was the first boy to say he loved me. I was young, but he was it for me. Tall, lean, jet black velvety skin that smelled good. I do believe that if my grandmother hadn’t died, causing me to have to leave Alabama – I’d have married him. It was a sweet, innocent love. He valued me in a way that I didn’t understand back then.

It would seem that my love life was always slightly off kilter. My mindset about love, sex, and marriage was jaded by what I saw around me, especially Peewee weddings, but that’s for another post.

My first newbie adult love scared and scarred me. I can still feel the effects of it even now. He was and is a very handsome man. It didn’t work because, even though he valued my virginity, he didn’t value me. But when he was good he was very, very good! Those kisses, sweet wonderful kisses that were designed to make me want him were masterful! He had a manly way of commanding my will, so much so, that I actually ironed the shirt he wore to go out with someone else. I later found out that it was someone I’d considered my best friend. He did that with more than one of my so called friends. He appeared and then disappeared. I was supposed to go with him, but I didn’t like who I was with him. The one time we attempted to have sex was bad because he wasn’t prepared for just how naive I truly was back then. This is the relationship that colors every relationship that followed it. That relationship dented my idea of me.

This is why I donโ€™t advocate teens dating. It’s hard enough for an adult, navigating all of those emotions. And sex? That just makes it a million times harder to navigate, like icebergs or lava flows… sigh.

I think I’ve said enough for now. You know I’ll write more later.


Simply upset or am I just being petty?

I enjoy Jeopardy.

I wanted LeVar to be the new host. We got duped, hogswaggled, cuz they were always going to pick him. Heck he picked Himself.

A lot of the shows I like were canceled, deeper sigh.

Is it wrong to be bothered? Is is silly to have feel as if I don’t have a voice in such matters? Don’t my ratings count?


The thought of no longer watching Jeopardy crossed my mind, however there’s nothing else out here like it. The next generation won’t know Alex Trebek or Art Fleming and Mr. Richards will be just fine for them.

Sigh, for now I’m not going to watch it.

I’m happy that Mr. Burton got a shot and helped to raise a lot of money for charity. So glad he put it all on the line and took a shot.

I owe my friend a quarter, he said that they couldn’t NOT give him a shot, cuz then we’d know that, well, you know.


Misinformation OR Shared experience?

My friend is in the hospital due to Covid. Yes had many underlying issues, however, contracting Covid sent him to the hospital. He is not vaccinated. He is one of a few hundred thousand who can’t take the vaccine. I won’t say why, but his Healthcare provider advised against it.

I know many past military veterans who cannot take the vaccine. They have nerve issues and other health concerns that precludes it.


Vaccinated or not, I will wear a mask until further notice. I like them actually, especially in the winter! Yes, nothing like a warm nose!


Sweet Sweet Dreams

I can say that it is possible to be in love and still wonder what went wrong in the prior relationship.

Divorce damages the heart in a way that feels permanent. Yes, my present is comforting and sustaining and all that I ever prayed for and yet… I still wonder what it was I didn’t see OR refused to see in the prior relationship.

Yeah, it’s because I don’t want to make the same mistakes. (Whatever they might have been) I tend to love hard and completely even in friendship. I value true friendship and yet I don’t tend to them as I believe I should, but that’s a post for another time. Right now I speaking about heart scars. My hubby has them also. They are mingled with PTSD from war and our parents, who by the way were best friends.

He protects my heart. I’ve learned that my heart has never been protected before allowing him to do so. It can be disconcerting. He is patient with me and my brokenness. Often times just holding me and saying nothing. I love him completely, well as completely as I can in my brokenness. I’ve found that there isn’t any pretense in him. He is who he is at all times. He apologizes even when he isn’t wrong and then gently revisits the issue at a later date so we can work it out unemotionally.

I love him. I must seek each day to value and love him passed the stupid in my head. He is NOT the prior man and does not have to answer for his mess.

Honestly? I was messed up in my childhood when I got it into my head that absolutely no one loved me and never would. I’m not even certain of how that even formed in my thoughts. It may have been the romance novels my mom used to leave around… I began reading when I was four. I can remember hiding under furniture to read them wishing that a man would ride in on a horse, shirt less and carry me away all the while professing his love for me and my beauty.

I want to pour into my teens that it is well worth the wait. It’s hard enough as an adult to navigate relationships without also having to deal with teenage everything!

I pray that you have open dialog with your spouse, so that your prayers aren’t hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)

reality BITES

I try to speak to my mom every day. 2020 drove home the point that tomorrow isn’t promised. I experienced death far too often in 2020.

We all suffered the virus at the end of 2019. We each had varying degrees of illness, including the toddler, it was truly horrible. I will wear a mask from now until the LORD calls me home.

Anywho, please take notice of those you love. Make time for them even if it’s just a text or a quick hello on the phone – because my mom’s generation is prone to texting. She says it reminds her of telegraphs and Morse code.

CALL YOUR MOM! CALL YOUR DAD! I wish I could hug my dad just once more.


Deforestation deep sigh

While on my way to get #1 son, I noticed a doe with 2 fawn trying to cross the road. I yelled to her, “No!” I said a prayer for the drivers behind me to see them also and continued on my way.

The confusion that permeated from the doe was palpable. She’d probably grown up in the forest that was on the other side of the road.

The trees are now gone. They are being removed to build yet another subdivision. This one by Pulte.

I’ve taken pictures however I’m not certain of how to post them here. It’s sad and ugly. I must say that I’ve seen the entire heard together close by, but it’s just not the same.

The deforestation has also displaced turtles, snakes, armadillo, possum, and I’m certain that native plants have also been destroyed.

I’ll post the pictures when I figure out how. Just know that kids are sad and comment on the ugly each time we pass it.

Boo’d Up

This is for the adults in the room… I’m speaking mainly to the ones in fully committed relationships… those 100% on either side relationships.

True hearted, Christ centered committed relationships. Yes, you.

When was the last time you lusted after your mate? Got that flutter in the center of yourself? You know what I’m talking about! Lovin’ so good it makes you want to testify in church! Girl, don’t get me started! Hallelujah! Praise the LORD!

Do you study your mate? What says love to them? Are you a good listener? Are you mature enough to make immediate changes?

This isn’t my first rodeo, but it is however most definitely my last. I’m striving to be who the Father has called me to be in my hubby’s life. I do that by seeking Father’s wisdom about how to love, honor and cherish him.

How about you?