Confederate Memorial Removal

I must admit that the memorial statue of Confederate Ltc Zachary used to annoy me. It stood in the center of the Town square, towering above us all. sigh. I loved the beauty of the square’s upkeep, however that statue… smh

So a few days ago, it was carefully removed from the center of the square. Tempers flared. This is Georgia. One of the pearls of the confederacy, in truth, they’ve held annual ceremonies to commemorate the cause, making April Confederate History Month.
Yes, it’s 2020, however, this is the south. Sure Blacks, er, African American have made great strides, heck Tyler Perry OWNS Fort McPherson, once a confederate army base, that was taken over by the Union during reconstruction. (Don’t quote me, do your research). Maj. Gen. James “Birdseye” McPherson was Union.

Anywho, I was filled with an odd glee at the thought of the removal and yet when I saw it dangling from the straps, having been lifted from its perch, an even odder sadness crept in, in a dull way. I felt for the ones who actually worshipped this monument and all that it represents.
For weeks I’d read posts from people who said that the war wasn’t about slavery, it was about land and pride in their way of life. There were even people of color fighting to keep it erected in its 100+-year-old space, (think on it, the ground under it hasn’t been touched by sunlight since 1911… I digress.)
I’m content with the removal. They were traitors who left the Union to fight for their way of life which included ownership of human beings.
It’s odd to me that we in many ways are praying the same prayers my grandparents prayed, fighting the same fight my mom fought. “We shall overcome one day”


You know it was fear that kept the feet of bystanders from rescuing Mr. Floyd. It was abject indifference that held him there pinned, shackled under the knee of a human who may have known who he was.
It was Power drunkenness that killed a man crawling on his hands and knees towards a group of policemen, this wasn’t even a man of color.
So what does all of the violence today have to do with the Confederacy? The Nazis, etc? It’s about hate and supremacy… it’s about those who think more highly of themselves than they ought… don’t get me wrong, I get it. It is what it is… The confederacy was about a way of life, that was so ingrained that they took body servants to war with them and even into the North after the war during reconstruction. Heck slavery in some form is alive and spreading its poison even today. What do you call it when Massa, er, CEOs make $11,000 an hour and the workers make at least $8 an hour? Then there’s sex trafficking… which is also slavery.
Have I said that I’m content with the removal of confederate monuments? It spoke volumes to me that there were men of color in the removal crew… yes the boss or crew leader wasn’t of color … blah blah blah… it spoke volumes that standing on the back of a flatbed truck a black man, in Georgia, freed the statue of its bonds. selah
It spoke volumes that the man stood taller than the statue. selah
I am content with the removals.

Mushy

Oh yes

That is the state of my brain

Mushy

There are things I want to say about wearing masks, you know the pros and cons; Tik Tok… giggling… an executive order… the ones who make $$$ on there are going to vote for anyone but him.

Yep… CORONA VIRUS SIGH

My brain is tired. My mind is done and I just cannot trust myself to not sound dumb, which I believe I’m doing right now.

I can say that I believe the church, in a misguided effort to regain normalcy is missing the boat AGAIN, Sigh but that’s another post.

Selah

Diligence

A sluggard’s appetite is never filled, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied. Proverbs 13:4

I watched the speaker speak… it was a small crowd but they were there to hear him speak.
Jealousy sat on my right. I was determined to listen to find out why he was prospering and I was languishing.

“Simple”, reason, who was sitting on my left spoke up, “obedience.” Jealousy jumped as if he were pinched or poked by a sharp object. I sighed, yes, that, O word. SIGH

selah

Marriage 2.1 (Prized Wampum)

Today, I was asked by a random stranger if I enjoyed being married. I told her that I am very happy.
She looked puzzled and stated that she’d heard that it’s hard and like being in prison.
I told her that it is hard in that you have to overlook a lot and to remove prideful thinking.

She said that she’s thinking about getting married and was afraid.

I heard myself say to her that she must remove from her mind what she imagines marriage to be and to clear from her mind whatever Hollywood has planted in her heart and mind.
I told her to see marriage as a governmental change. “He will continue to pluck your nerve and upset you. If he is your friend now, allow him to remain your friend. Be completely honest with him. He should the closet person to you. Keep everybody, including family out of your marriage. Yes, they may mean well, however, they don’t love him like you do, nor do they know your relationship like you do.”

She listened intently and replied, “I’m just afraid.”
“Tell him that”, I said. She turned to look at him and he looked down at her, smiled and asked if she wanted a coffee or would she be drinking his… she said she’d drink his… he complained a little and ordered a large. I giggled. He smiled.
She turned to me and he interrupted by revisiting their original discussion: the back pocket on her work pants wasn’t wide enough for his hand. He commented that his pockets would fit her hands to which she replied I never put my hands in your pockets… I leaned in and said, “you should, that way he’ll know how it feels.” She looked startled. I winked and walked away thinking that I maybe should have given her my number, but I didn’t turn back.
Wampum isn’t always brightly colored wooden beads. They can sometimes be precious hand-hewn shells. We’ve just got to learn how to tell the difference.

-to be continued

 

Sexual Wampum~2

As a young woman, I spent most of my days just trying to fit in with whatever crowd I found myself adjacent to; even now I still find myself struggling NOT to do that.
Honestly? I’ve never felt “a part” of anything. I’ve always felt as if I float through this life alone.
Now while most of this may have been imagined, it wasn’t/isn’t without some basis in more fact than truth. I can recall many instances that would allow me to build a very sturdy soapbox on which to air my grievances. My life has been fraught with feelings of being unloveable, in every relationship, save three, but I’ll get to those later.

A majority of the decisions I’ve made in my life have been filtered through MY understanding of what love is or isn’t. Unfortunately, I married, raised children and navigated my life through this blindness.

I equated the physical act of sex with love. I misread lust, also. I never saw it as being summed up based on my parts, but rather an admission of longing to love me from the beholder, (Mama, you sho is fine!)

We always tell teens to abstain from sex, but we never truly give them the reason why. Yes, there are the religious reasons that some admonish abstinence, but I believe that’s too abstract, especially if they do not have a “relationship”. Today’s social media world labels everyone as “friend” and encourages us to bear our souls to whoever may stumble across our page. It is a travesty. It seems that we are no longer encouraged to cultivate and nurture life long relationships that turn into family-ships.

Oh and marriage? Marriage has become something we do when we’re bored: the song says let’s do something dumb and get married.

I personally have spent too many years feeling unloved, unwanted, undervalued, believing that something was wrong with me; that I was unlovable; that I would never find love; that somehow a long time ago I became unworthy to be loved wholly and faithfully by one person who was willing to jump in with both feet and be in it for the Long haul with me, only me, just ME.

SO SEX BECAME MY CURRENCY IT WAS WHAT I USED TO PURCHASE INTIMACY.  IN MY HEAD I WOULD BE THE BEST HE EVER HAD, THAT WHEN HE WAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE HE WAS THINKING OF ME BECAUSE I WAS THE BEST HE EVER HAD!

It never ever occurred to me that my wampum was worthless as any currency can be on any given day USELESS. YOU SEE I’VE FORGOTTEN THAT SEX IS EASY. I’d ignore the truth that sex without true intimacy is garbage. I’d ignored the truth that neither love nor intimacy can exist outside of the trust. I was so very focused on being loved that I all too often just jumped into the deep end because “damn he fine”.

Sex is as easy as clicking on a website. It is as easy to find driving down the road, sex is like candy yeah it’s good when you got it but too much of it isn’t healthy especially if great sex is all you have.

INTIMACY can not be purchased. Honestly? If you make sex a priority – you haven’t truly left any room for love or intimacy… I don’t care what anyone says. The mental and emotional price is far too steep. (SOS 2:7;8:4)

 

 

 

 

Who You Are

I watch my granddaughter learning to navigate the world around her.

I’m told she looks a lot like me, fair skinned, thick hips and thighs. She has a quick smile and deep, deep dimples. She is an open slate, or more plainly ~ an open target.
I made up my mind when I first saw her that she would NOT grow up with body issues as I did. In truth, I have decided to address my insecurities this year and I’m taking you along with me. I’ve decided to not post pictures yet, because I want you, the reader, to take this journey with me, so we can both learn to embrace and love WHO YOU ARE.

The first thing I must do is lose the labels bestowed on my as I grew up. I have nicknames that lovingly denote the lack of wisdom of the people around me. The worse, “heavy hips” caused the most trauma. Oddly, “shit-colored-gal” was easy to get rid of because I simply did not embrace it. However the others, like “little white girl” seemed to follow me even now.
I can honestly say that I’ve been on a diet since my Aunt place me on one when I was in Elementary school. I won’t discuss the cruelty of public school just yet, just know that there wasn’t any solace in that arena.

I’ve tried many, many diets and lost lots of weight, only to regain it because I am an emotional eater. It doesn’t make me feel better, I just eat because I can. It has evolved over the years. My emotional go tos are now Brussels sprouts, raw snap peas, and a cucumber, avocado, tuna and tomato dish that is truly scrumptious.

I do have emotional areas I want to address this year; old junk that is weighing down progress even in my writing;  The first being the lies I’ve embraced over the years and also the ones I spread.

So, my new year’s resolution is to become emotionally healthy. I hope you’ll join me.

 

Body Dysmorphia

I’ve been NOT liking my body ever since my Aunt told me I was fat, I was very young. I thought I had BD, but after taking this unofficial test… I may have to rethink a few things.

My hubby calls me sexy, desirable, and a veritable buffet of scrumptious… well, you know. 😉

But I’ve not liked what I see in the mirror for so long, I think it’s become a habit.

Here is the unofficial test: BODY DYSMORPHIC DISORDER TEST

As always, if you answer yes to most of these, seek professional help/diagnosis.

We women can be a fickled bunch! Just be the best YOU! NO ONE can beat you at that!

HELLOOOOOOO!

It’s been 4months since I last wrote to you. Apologies! So much has been going on with me.

The kids are well, the hubby is well, I am well.

The weather is hot!

I feel like breaking into Gladys Knight’s version of “The Way We Were”.

As I mature, I find myself remembering, ME. I liked me. Then came the first broken heart. It changed me in ways I still deal with all of these years later.
The subsequent chips of the already broken heart molded me and made me cautious… but it also gave me 20/20 vision. I can spot dysfunction in a relationship, just by the sound or lack thereof.

Facebook, the land of dreams, wishes and fantasies. It gives us a place to put our feelings out in public. It gives the warm fuzzies a chance to cover the red flags or the more muted checks in the spirit.

I remember being so very desperate to NOT be alone that I kissed far too many frogs. The need to be in a relationship was far stronger than the need to get it right the first time. I grew up believing the lie that no one loved me or would ever love me. Silly girl!
I wish now, that I’d waited. I wish I’d been strong enough to get past the age thing, the watching the people around me getting married, (Oh, Paula, why aren’t you in a relationship?)

And the church didn’t help…. that’s yet another post.

I met a couple, many years ago, who fast and prayed for 2 weeks – together to seek the LORD’s wisdom about their relationship. At the time, I wished I’d done that. They got what they felt was confirmation. They married. They divorced.
See, the flesh wants what the flesh wants. Two lonely people seeking the LORD in prayer… forget that just the intimacy of it.. is intoxicating.
When they were divorcing, an elder woman spoke about what they’d done wrong. She said that they should have sought guidance from others they trusted. She said that praying together should only come AFTER an engagement. She counseled us in every aspect of building godly relationships.

Did I listen? Nope. I just continued giving and receiving Wam Pum of the sexual kind. His voice in my ear felt good. Holding hands felt good. The well-wishes from those around me FELT GOOD.
But along the way, I ignored the words of those I’d trusted for years and it cost me dearly.

The couple who married just this March, are now separated. My heart hurts for them. I wish it weren’t against the law to tie people up! I would have kept them from making my mistakes. Yes, I know. experience is the best teacher. I only wish I’d heeded the words of wisdom from those who’d gone before me…. “HEY! THAT’S A DEAD END!”

SIGHHHHHHHHHHH

Gladys Knight The way we were Try to remember, live in Chile, 1979

She said she’d thought the bond between them was real. She said maybe it wasn’t really God giving her the go ahead. She said maybe she wanted it so badly that she just asked herself why not. SIGH

My  heart hurts.