Sexual Wampum~2

As a young woman, I spent most of my days just trying to fit in with whatever crowd I found myself adjacent to; even now I still find myself struggling NOT to do that.
Honestly? I’ve never felt “a part” of anything. I’ve always felt as if I float through this life alone.
Now while most of this may have been imagined, it wasn’t/isn’t without some basis in more fact than truth. I can recall many instances that would allow me to build a very sturdy soapbox on which to air my grievances. My life has been fraught with feelings of being unloveable, in every relationship, save three, but I’ll get to those later.

A majority of the decisions I’ve made in my life have been filtered through MY understanding of what love is or isn’t. Unfortunately, I married, raised children and navigated my life through this blindness.

I equated the physical act of sex with love. I misread lust, also. I never saw it as being summed up based on my parts, but rather an admission of longing to love me from the beholder, (Mama, you sho is fine!)

We always tell teens to abstain from sex, but we never truly give them the reason why. Yes, there are the religious reasons that some admonish abstinence, but I believe that’s too abstract, especially if they do not have a “relationship”. Today’s social media world labels everyone as “friend” and encourages us to bear our souls to whoever may stumble across our page. It is a travesty. It seems that we are no longer encouraged to cultivate and nurture life long relationships that turn into family-ships.

Oh and marriage? Marriage has become something we do when we’re bored: the song says let’s do something dumb and get married.

I personally have spent too many years feeling unloved, unwanted, undervalued, believing that something was wrong with me; that I was unlovable; that I would never find love; that somehow a long time ago I became unworthy to be loved wholly and faithfully by one person who was willing to jump in with both feet and be in it for the Long haul with me, only me, just ME.

SO SEX BECAME MY CURRENCY IT WAS WHAT I USED TO PURCHASE INTIMACY.  IN MY HEAD I WOULD BE THE BEST HE EVER HAD, THAT WHEN HE WAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE HE WAS THINKING OF ME BECAUSE I WAS THE BEST HE EVER HAD!

It never ever occurred to me that my wampum was worthless as any currency can be on any given day USELESS. YOU SEE I’VE FORGOTTEN THAT SEX IS EASY. I’d ignore the truth that sex without true intimacy is garbage. I’d ignored the truth that neither love nor intimacy can exist outside of the trust. I was so very focused on being loved that I all too often just jumped into the deep end because “damn he fine”.

Sex is as easy as clicking on a website. It is as easy to find driving down the road, sex is like candy yeah it’s good when you got it but too much of it isn’t healthy especially if great sex is all you have.

INTIMACY can not be purchased. Honestly? If you make sex a priority – you haven’t truly left any room for love or intimacy… I don’t care what anyone says. The mental and emotional price is far too steep. (SOS 2:7;8:4)

 

 

 

 

Who You Are

I watch my granddaughter learning to navigate the world around her.

I’m told she looks a lot like me, fair skinned, thick hips and thighs. She has a quick smile and deep, deep dimples. She is an open slate, or more plainly ~ an open target.
I made up my mind when I first saw her that she would NOT grow up with body issues as I did. In truth, I have decided to address my insecurities this year and I’m taking you along with me. I’ve decided to not post pictures yet, because I want you, the reader, to take this journey with me, so we can both learn to embrace and love WHO YOU ARE.

The first thing I must do is lose the labels bestowed on my as I grew up. I have nicknames that lovingly denote the lack of wisdom of the people around me. The worse, “heavy hips” caused the most trauma. Oddly, “shit-colored-gal” was easy to get rid of because I simply did not embrace it. However the others, like “little white girl” seemed to follow me even now.
I can honestly say that I’ve been on a diet since my Aunt place me on one when I was in Elementary school. I won’t discuss the cruelty of public school just yet, just know that there wasn’t any solace in that arena.

I’ve tried many, many diets and lost lots of weight, only to regain it because I am an emotional eater. It doesn’t make me feel better, I just eat because I can. It has evolved over the years. My emotional go tos are now Brussels sprouts, raw snap peas, and a cucumber, avocado, tuna and tomato dish that is truly scrumptious.

I do have emotional areas I want to address this year; old junk that is weighing down progress even in my writing;  The first being the lies I’ve embraced over the years and also the ones I spread.

So, my new year’s resolution is to become emotionally healthy. I hope you’ll join me.

 

Body Dysmorphia

I’ve been NOT liking my body ever since my Aunt told me I was fat, I was very young. I thought I had BD, but after taking this unofficial test… I may have to rethink a few things.

My hubby calls me sexy, desirable, and a veritable buffet of scrumptious… well, you know. 😉

But I’ve not liked what I see in the mirror for so long, I think it’s become a habit.

Here is the unofficial test: BODY DYSMORPHIC DISORDER TEST

As always, if you answer yes to most of these, seek professional help/diagnosis.

We women can be a fickled bunch! Just be the best YOU! NO ONE can beat you at that!

HELLOOOOOOO!

It’s been 4months since I last wrote to you. Apologies! So much has been going on with me.

The kids are well, the hubby is well, I am well.

The weather is hot!

I feel like breaking into Gladys Knight’s version of “The Way We Were”.

As I mature, I find myself remembering, ME. I liked me. Then came the first broken heart. It changed me in ways I still deal with all of these years later.
The subsequent chips of the already broken heart molded me and made me cautious… but it also gave me 20/20 vision. I can spot dysfunction in a relationship, just by the sound or lack thereof.

Facebook, the land of dreams, wishes and fantasies. It gives us a place to put our feelings out in public. It gives the warm fuzzies a chance to cover the red flags or the more muted checks in the spirit.

I remember being so very desperate to NOT be alone that I kissed far too many frogs. The need to be in a relationship was far stronger than the need to get it right the first time. I grew up believing the lie that no one loved me or would ever love me. Silly girl!
I wish now, that I’d waited. I wish I’d been strong enough to get past the age thing, the watching the people around me getting married, (Oh, Paula, why aren’t you in a relationship?)

And the church didn’t help…. that’s yet another post.

I met a couple, many years ago, who fast and prayed for 2 weeks – together to seek the LORD’s wisdom about their relationship. At the time, I wished I’d done that. They got what they felt was confirmation. They married. They divorced.
See, the flesh wants what the flesh wants. Two lonely people seeking the LORD in prayer… forget that just the intimacy of it.. is intoxicating.
When they were divorcing, an elder woman spoke about what they’d done wrong. She said that they should have sought guidance from others they trusted. She said that praying together should only come AFTER an engagement. She counseled us in every aspect of building godly relationships.

Did I listen? Nope. I just continued giving and receiving Wam Pum of the sexual kind. His voice in my ear felt good. Holding hands felt good. The well-wishes from those around me FELT GOOD.
But along the way, I ignored the words of those I’d trusted for years and it cost me dearly.

The couple who married just this March, are now separated. My heart hurts for them. I wish it weren’t against the law to tie people up! I would have kept them from making my mistakes. Yes, I know. experience is the best teacher. I only wish I’d heeded the words of wisdom from those who’d gone before me…. “HEY! THAT’S A DEAD END!”

SIGHHHHHHHHHHH

Gladys Knight The way we were Try to remember, live in Chile, 1979

She said she’d thought the bond between them was real. She said maybe it wasn’t really God giving her the go ahead. She said maybe she wanted it so badly that she just asked herself why not. SIGH

My  heart hurts.

 

Sexual Wam Pum

Well, today was our last “session”. Periodically I speak with young women who have questions about marriage.
She’s getting married in a few days and well, she still didn’t understand why I wasn’t as excited about it as she wants me to be about it.

Experience has taught me the signs of pending heartache. Am I saying that I’m an expert? Nope, just a veteran of heartache. So much so, that I can and am writing the book.

I’ve learned that most of them I speak to have confused the sexual function for intimacy and sadly, love. Most are sexually active, so they think there’s no going back from that because “heaven forbid! He will leave me because WE CAN’T HAVE SEX.

Deep sigh

I’ve been there. If he’s going to leave, he’s going to leave. End of quote. Sex won’t hold him, nor will your looks; though each may seem important, they are not a firm foundation for marriage.

Sexual mechanics are a function of the living, breathing being. It is common to those with six legs, 4 legs, 2 legs, no legs.

Sex without commitment and intimacy is just Wam Pum… (Also called peag, seawan, sewan. cylindrical beads made from shells, pierced and strung, used by North American Indians as a medium of exchange, for ornaments, and for ceremonial and sometimes spiritual purposes, especially such beads when white but also including the more valuable black or dark purple varieties.)

The value placed on Wam Pum is in the eye and heart of the person giving/receiving/bartering with it.

Never sacrifice your heart, for Wam Pum.

Achieving orgasm isn’t love; it’s a sexual function. Imagine where the relationship would be if you couldn’t have sex anymore…

Imagine they weren’t as handsome, or as funny, or as whatever attracted you to them and attempt to love them anyway… that’s commitment, that’s one of the building blocks of a firm foundation in marriage.

 

Who Are You?

Do you truly know who you are? What is your purpose on earth…. in this life?

Do you have a plan? Could you communicate this plan if you had to?

Write the plan and make it clear

What dream have you allowed to grow so stagnant, that it’s just about dead? What steps could you take to revive it?

We have only once chance, to reach our potential… tomorrow isn’t promised, so we must live our BEST SELF today.

Ready? Set, GO!

…Learned To Be Content…

Philippians 4:9 Whatever you have learned and received and heard from me, and seen in me, put these things into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 10 Now I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned,but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this out of need, for I have learned to be content regardless of my circumstances.

To be honest, my actions of late haven’t been very gracious. My personal Facebook page is littered with my anger and frustration.
It does not escape me that verse 9 tells you to practice what you’ve learned, received and heard from me. Well, apologies, my actions may not be pleasing to the Father. I must work on that. Which, as I continue to read this portion of scripture is WHY I don’t have peace.

At the start of the year, I told myself that I was going to just be content ~ in ALL thing. It lasted about one day. I am brooding and moody. My sleep is disturbed. My appetite is off and my world, my sphere of influence is being affected by it.
Don’t misunderstand, I have reason to be those things and yet I know I cannot stay here, in this funk.

My head hurts. My gut is in knots. I want to pour my guts out to you here, in this forum, but I won’t. It will not help anything.
I am learning to be content whether I am abase or abound.
In all of this my hubby is my rock always, lifting me up, praying over me. I enjoy that he doesn’t pretend to understand, if he does not. I enjoy that he offers words of wisdom when he does. I am blessed in this area.

I must take this one, minute by minute. I am learning to be content. I will, in my baby steps, stumble fall, get up, take some steps, stumble fall, get up, walk a few feet, try to run, stumble, fall, get back up… you get the gist.

I have to cast my care, because most of what’s bothering me, I CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT.
James 1:4 ~ Let endurance have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

In all of this I must remember that the kids are watching me.

We Fall Down by Donnie McClurkin

Hail and Farewell!

I truly don’t know how to feel.
It’s odd. The only thing I can compare it to is seeing my grandfather cry back when John F. Kennedy was killed. I remember that my entire street and then my church cried. I didn’t get it then, because I was young, but I did get that something was very wrong.

Now, the newest (hic) leader of the free world, is without moral fiber of any kind. Sure, you say, you don’t know the man, true, HOWEVER ~ actions scream far louder than words and his words are pretty bad. I’ve NEVER cared for the man. I didn’t watch any of his shows. He was and still is a joke to me.

And what the heck is “soft sensual”?!?!?! Why will the inauguration be “soft sensual” and why is the word “coronation” even in the same sentence? I want him to go hunting with Mr. Cheney. And No, I’m NOT going to watch it.

I get that my constitution has built in, um, checks and balances. I get that “We the people’ were screwed out of the popular vote, though, I didn’t vote for her either. I get that Politics is dirty. I get that.

So, what do I say to my children? I’ve taught them to live their lives the EXACT opposite of DJT.
I’d often point to Mr. Obama as an example.
Character is EVERYTHING. Sure, people said bad things about him ~ he’s a black man in the US of A. Sure he was disrespected ~ He’s a black man in the US of A. But as his beautiful wife has said, “When they go low, you go high.”FLOTUS has taught me to always be who I am, NO MATTER WHAT. Her mother should be very proud!

My grandson voiced his dislike for DJT, to which I replied, “You don’t even know the man to like or dislike him.” To which he replied, “I saw him make fun of that handicapped man and that says it all.” check and mate sigh

I cannot embrace the idea of supporting him as president. It feels like denying Christ and all he stands for in my life.

The coming four years will be kind of difficult in that I don’t watch anything he’s in, so I can no longer listen to the State of the Union addresses. Honestly, I wouldn’t even watch his impeachment, should that ever happen. He’s a non-factor.
I haven’t any comforting words…. “Danger, Will Robinson, DANGER!

Stressed, thy name is Desserts…

We’ve all seen it, “stressed is desserts backwards” or my personal favorite, “Too blessed to be stressed!”

Well the truth is, when you’re experiencing stress, no amount of cute sayings will help to lessen it.

The core of my stress is children. They are 15, 13, 11, 10, 5, and 1. At this moment the screaming is about ice that has been spilled onto the floor. Yes, it would be simpler to just pick it up, but the 11 year old has chosen to scream him into submission, which NEVER works.

The 13 and 10 year olds are, just boys, in every sense, both vying to be the alpha. Both suffer from television hypnotic coma symptomatic disease.

I am trying to live healthily, so dessert is out of the question. I consider myself a child of God, so in my head I know I’m blessed….. it’s just that certain circumstances challenge my faith on the regular.

Oh and did I say, that while my 15 year old does not cause me the usual teen issues, she is, however, challenging. She, in her own mind, knows EVERYTHING. Yes, I know, I was her age once upon a time many, many, moons ago.sigh

So, I can’t have dessert and yes, I need to get back to the Clean Eating plan. This year has been tragically tragic for my family.

Locking myself in the bathroom, watching the finger spider appear under the door, amuses me and yes, it does take the edge off.

If you know someone who seems even a little bit stressed, offer them more than a hug (and definitely more than a cute platitude). Offer to do something that will help them, pay a bill, watch a child, heck hire a sitter and take your friend for coffee or tea (not Starbucks, that in itself is another kind of stress). And know that sometimes all we really need is sleep, 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!

The toddler giggles in the distance as I typed the last sentence, laugh out loud, chuckle.

Anywho, the next few weeks are stressful all on their own, so please be aware that the grumpy person may have a lot going on……. Thanks President Trump….. um… I just threw up a little….. sigh…….